V3 Announcements

Here in SOTF, every day there is an announcement that is made, announcing those who've been killed, usually who by, and how. We'll occasionally gain insights into the goings-on behind the scenes with the terrorists, and it's here that we get our look at the demented mastermind, Danya, and his twisted sense of humour.

Lots of work usually goes into every announcement here at SOTF, and it's appropriate to give credit where credit is due.

(credit for each announcement will go here)

First Announcement
"Bah, bah da da, bah rum pum pum pum!" Danya mused, tapping his hand in rythm with the tune as he sat in his trademark plush chair and studied the paperwork in front of him, "Goodness, I just LOVE the start of new seasons. Don't you, Dorian?"

"Oh!" Dorian, who had been sitting at a computer not far away suddenly exclaimed, "Y-yes sir. O-of course."

"This season's really got potential, Dorian! Lots and lots of potential! They've already soared above the first season's record for day one. Unfortunately, they're a little behind season two, but what they lacked in kills they're sure making up for in pure brutality, don't you agree?"

"Y-yes sir," Dorian yelped, staring blankly at his computer monitor and attempting to evade his glance from Mr. Danya.

"I've got a lot of hope for these kids," Danya continued, grinning broadly and taking another puff from his cigar, "It's funny how much of a difference a couple years can make. Add two more years of high school into the equation and it doubles all the drama and cinematics! It's simply brilliant, I tell you!"

"Well... of course, sir, b-but..." Dorian trailed off.

"But?" Danya piped up, rising from his chair and pacing in front of his desk.

"W-well sir... it's just that... that..."

"C'mon, c'mon, spit it out!" Danya barked.

"S-sorry sir. It's just that, well, there seem to be a lot of groups this time around... a-and a lot less players, to boot... is all."

"Oh?" Danya responded, his eyebrows raising in curiosity, "How many?"

"Um..." Dorian stuttered, scrolling through a menu on the computer in front of him, "Let's see... one of the largest groups seems to be congregated at the hospital, s-sir. It's B22, Ianto Murphy; B26, Gabe McCallum; B19, Dan Wolfe; G03, Serenity Halos; G06, Viki Valentine, and G08, Evelyn Richinson."

"Sounds like they're having themselves quite the little orgy there," Danya cackled.

A disgusted look passed over Dorian's face and he faded into silence, causing Danya's laughter to become that much louder.

"I'm kidding, you fool! If that's the only group, there's hardly anything to worry about!"

"B-but it isn't, sir. There are several others. There's a large group at the chapel, too. B77's in it, along with about four other students. And another group as sprung up at the marsh, this one's pretty big too. A-and there's another at the hollow tree. A-and another in the jungle, and..."

"Alright, alright. So there are a lot of groups. We've definitely got our players to dwindle down those groups a little bit, but maybe they could use a little hand, you think?"

"W-well sir, at this rate, the students may band together and refuse to participate, a-and... the collars would detonate and ruin the show."

"And we simply can't have that!" Danya exclaimed loudly, slamming his hands down on the desk and causing Dorian to jump visibly, "But don't worry, Dorian! I have the perfect plan. I'll just give everyone a little motivational boost... make them realize that they can't trust their classmates as much as they might have thought. That should do the trick. Then, they'll be slaughtering one another like cattle in no time!"

---

The public access speakers which had been strategically placed inside each sector of the island suddenly sparked to life with a screech, followed by the sound of somebody clearing their throat. Mr. Danya did so love doing the morning announcements. And, he was especially looking forward to this one. He was certain his idea for creating tension and distrust on the island would work like a charm.

"Good morning, Southridge High School!" Danya mused into the microphone, "And congratulations on surviving for one full day on the island! Of course, not all of you survived. I've got to commend you kids, really. In terms of death and mayhem, you guys totalled only three kills behind that crazy group of kids we had last season. Of course, you all did much better than those pathetic little weaklings from Barry Coleson High back in 2005. Two kills on the first day... really now, what kind of joke is that? But! I digress!"

Danya chuckled and the sound of papers shuffling echoed through the microphone for a moment.

"I guess you all want to know who the dead are and all that jazz, right? I guess I can oblige. Over the course of the past day, you all managed to slaughter a whopping nine classmates! And, I've gotta tell ya, some of these deaths were just downright cruel. The very first death on the island was quite interesting. After an extended fight, Nathanial Harris decided to get creative and used a pool of his own blood to electrocute Josh Goodman. Props to you, Nathanial, for your creativity. But really, kid, couldn't you have picked a different victim? Given Mr. Goodman's previous history, I was hoping he'd be quite the little game motivator. Then again, even less people would be suspecting you, now wouldn't they?"

Danya once again laughed before continuing on down the list.

"The second on our list of kills was just as gruesome as the first. You all remember dear Heather Tilmitt, don't you? She died next. Her baby's daddy was off his rocker, that's all I have to say. They found one another in the hospital, had a spat, and Lance Barrett wound up stabbing her to death with the little saw we gave him before he cut her fetus right out of her body! It was quite gruesome. Around the same time, everybody's favorite giant, Gabriel Theobaldt, was in the graveyard devestating the little group of idiots who had decided to hole up there. Unfortunately, he only scored one kill, Jason Foley. If he'd been smart, he'd have killed Will Sigurwhosawhatsitkid and Christian Rydell too. Shame on you, Gabriel!"

"Moving right along though, our next kill goes to a student who was already a pre-existing murderer outside of the school, and no, unfortunately, I'm not talking about Adam Dodd. Though I'm sure our dear fan favorite would have killed already if we hadn't given him such a crappy weapon! But no, I'm talking about Bobby Jacks! You see, Mr. Jacks encountered Tyson Neills on the riverbank not long after waking up on the island. Tyson was looking for friends, comfort, companionship. Instead, Bobby only saw the pretty little gun we gave Tyson, and, well, that was more than enough reason for Bobby to take the needle we gave him and put it through Tyson's skull! That put Mr. Neills as our fourth death of the day."

And that was that. That was Danya's devious, diabolical plan for planting the seeds of distrust in the heads of all the students on the island. It wasn't as if he was completely deceiving them. More like... romanticizing the truth just a little bit. People like Bobby Jacks were playing the game anyway, so they shouldn't mind being made to look even better, right? Danya sure hoped not. Making them out to be vicious, brutal murderers was a lot of fun, after all. The older man smiled a toothy smile and let out a light chuckle before clearing his throat and shuffling through his papers once again.

"Moving right along, fifth on my little list of the dead is Lance Barrett.. It seems one of my favorite little psychopaths didn't get to experience the joys of fatherhood for very long at all. After carving up Heather like a Christmas turkey and cutting her baby right out of her womb, Lance decided to hang around the hospital for a while. Apparently, it wasn't a very smart move on his part. Melina Frost had been hiding inside the hospital and had seen the whole messy scene go down, and I guess that in some weird form of vigilante justice, she felt the need to blow Lance's head apart at close range for his troubles. Now he's the headless horseman! Bahaha. Of course, even if she hadn't killed him, Paul Smith probably would have."

Danya let out a low chuckle and rubbed the side of his head slightly.

"By the way, hospital group? If you wouldn't mind, could you bury that nasty little fetus laying on the ground outside the hospital? Leaving a baby to rot in the sun? Really now, that's just morbid, even for this game. Shame on you people! You should have some decency. Hahaha! I suppose that brings me on to death number six. This one's a doozy, kiddos, so pay close attention while I tell you the story. Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there lived a group of students who foolishly thought that they could band together and save one another from the horrors of the program! Well, one of these kids was a girl named Madison Conner, who had a schizophrenic fit when the group barricaded themselves inside the lookout tower and shot her friend Izzy Cheung. Unfortunately for Madison, she was a horrible shot and didn't manage to kill Izzy, but she did manage to turn her whole group against her."

"Enter Charlie Burchman, a very unlucky little man who wandered into the wrong place at the wrong time. Poor Charlie came into the tower looking for shelter and friendship! Know what the poor guy got in return? A bunch of paranoid kids who thought poor Charlie was trying to kill them! Wanna know what Charlie got for his troubles? This is where it gets confusing, kids, so pay attention. Keith Jackson was the first to attack, shooting poor Charlie at close range with his shotgun. Twice! Now, Charlie didn't wanna die, you see, so he started swinging his golf club around like a madman and got busted in the head by Izzy Cheung for his troubles. It was Ivye Dewley who delivered the coup d'etat, though, when she shoved a grenade down the boy's throat! It might have been a collaborative death, but sorry Keith and Izzy! Ivye's the one who finished Charlie off, so I've gotta give her credit for getting our sixth kill of the day!"

He couldn't help but smile. If he couldn't make more people play the game, he'd simply have to make it sound like more people were playing the game. And besides, he wasn't lying. Just twisting words a little bit. Keith and Izzy had attacked Charlie. Nobody on the island needed to know that it had been in self-defense. All he had to do was consistently twist stories to make the students look like crazed killers and in no time flat, people'd be offing one another like rabbits for fear of being killed themselves. It was such a simple idea with such potentially devastating consequences. It made Danya giddy just thinking about it.

"But Mr. Danya, this is madness! No. This is SPARTA!" Danya blurted out before bursting into a fit of laughter which lasted several minutes. Moments later, it stopped, and the large man took a deep breath before continuing, "Really now, Mr. Villa. You've been watching far too many movies. In case you all haven't guessed, Eduardo Trinidad-Villa scored kill number seven for the day, with a little assistance from Nathanial Harris... or at least, the pool of blood he used to electrocute Josh Goodman. His victim? Tanya Bonneville. Long story short, the stupid cow impaled herself on Eduardo's sword and he proceeded to kick her Leonidas-style into the electrofied pool of blood and fry her. Such a pity."

A fake sob escaped Danya's lips before the smug man grinned once again.

"Now that I've shed a tear of sadness, I'll be moving along to death number eight for the day. Tegan Bianco.. Most of you are probably wondering who the heck this girl was. From what my sources tell me, she was quite the unsociable little creature. Anyway, I wish I could tell you she went out with a bang, but it was more like a ... well, crunch. Hahaha. Tegan didn't wanna play my little game, you see, so the silly little girl hurled herself off the sea cliffs and into the rocky waters below. But, on the bright side, that's one less person you all have to kill! And that brings me to my final death of the day, Alex Steele. Let's see. Alex's game went horribly awry when resident loudmouth Guy Rapide burst into the mess hall and ruined his little party. Alex spazzed out, Guy spazzed out, the two wound up fighting, and Guy decided the right thing to do would be to lock poor Alex in the deep freeze!"

Danya started laughing, apparently finding the event itself quite funny. He laughed so hard that he snorted before breaking off into a light wheeze and finally stopping.

"I wish I could tell you that Alex froze to death, but unfortunately, that wasn't the case. The crazy little guy started firing the pistol we so graciously gave him ninety to nothing trying to get outta the freezer. Long story short, he got hit with his own bullet when it ricocheted off the side of the wall. And that concludes the deaths for day numero uno. Like I said, I'm pretty impressed with you guys overall, but I'd like to see you up the ante a little bit for today, alrighty? You people were offing one another like crazy this morning, and I'm disappointed to say that it's died down a little bit. Because of that, I think I'll be setting some dangerzones for this next portion of the game. You all read your handbooks like good little patsies, didn't you? I hope you did, because it's good to know that dangerzones, just like their name implies, are quite dangerous."

He coughed for a moment and stared down at the map in front of him, pondering just which sectors he should designate as dangerzones.

"I think... I'm going to make three!" Danya announced giddily into the microphone, "First of all, we've just got way too many people in the church! That simply won't do! So, the chapel is going to be the first designated dangerzone of the game! Secondly... let's see... how about the lookout tower? Yes, I think that'll be dangerzone number two. Finally and thirdly, the last dangerzone... let's see... the showers. Get out of there, you stinking kids! Bahaha! But seriously, you have five minutes to vacate the area before I blow your collars! Have a great day, everyone! Get out there and kill 'em all dead!"

Before Danya turned the microphone off, a lightbulb seemed to suddenly appear over his head and he jerked his head away from the speaker, making a loud noise in the microphone so as to keep the attention of the students that was probably diverting away from the announcements by now.

"I almost forgot!" Danya exclaimed loudly, "One more thing! Due to popular demand, the Best Kill Award is back? Know that that means, duckies? That means that if you kill somebody real good, and the boys around the office like it, we'll give ya an even better weapon to kill people with! We're awarding today's prize to B27, Mr. Nathanial Harris, for his cool little electrofied blood trick! This is how this is gonna work. B27, head on over to the sea cliffs A.S.A.P."

"Nobody get any bright ideas and try to follow Nathanial, though. The Sea Cliffs will become a temporary dangerzone for the morning. Once you enter the area, Nathanial, your collar will be deactivated and will not receive the dangerzone signal. It will, however, still be active should you try to remove it, and you'll blow your head off. Anyone who enters the area other than Nathanial will have their collar detonated, so if you're going to try to steal his weapon, please, wait in the bushes OUTSIDE of the dangerzone."

"Now, Mr. Harris. If you take too long and we get tired of waiting on you, we'll reopen the area and any Mr. Nobody can come and steal your weapon. We run the show here, we don't have all day to wait on you. When you enter the area, you'll find a crate with your weapon inside. Sounds all hunky-dorey, right? Of course it does! Get moving, Mr. Harris. I don't like my time being wasted! This is Danya, over and out!"

Second Announcement
'''blitzkrieg167 has entered the "SOTF Discussion" Chatroom.  ReallyScooby2k:''' yo!

BRADLEY075: Hey Blitz!

blitzkrieg167: hi

ElleUnlimited: So, a new season of SOTF is upon us. Seriously guys, I think this is the coolest show EVER!

JimmyEatGod: my favrit caracter is gabriel teobalt. hes cool.

ReallyScooby2k: whaaaat? that guyz a fool!

ElleUnlimited: Well, who's your favorite, Scooby?

ReallyScooby2k: mm, prolly like eduardo or watever his name is. seems like he culd be a big villan.

ElleUnlimited: How about you, Blitz? Any preferences?

blitzkrieg167: hmm. well, i'm a big adam dodd fan, for sure.

blitzkrieg167: my favorite villain's probably that blood boy kid, and for the girls i like izzy and kallie.

BRADLEY075: Man, Izzy's hot. I've always had a thing for asians.

'''ThePretzel has entered the "SOTF Discussion" Chatroom  ThePretzel:''' What up, bitchez?

BRADLEY075: Oh hey Pretz. We're just talking about how hot Izzy is in SOTF.

ElleUnlimited: Adam Dodd? That ship's been done all over again. The fact he's back makes me wonder if it isn't fake.

ReallyScooby2k: like survivor rite?

ThePretzel: Haha, exactly. Izzy's okay but how about those guys she's with? Keith and Trey? Mmmmm, scrrrrumptious! :-D

JimmyEatGod: thos guys r totly fags!

blitzkrieg167: you think so, jimmy?

JimmyEatGod: i red this fic abot them and i culd totly see it hapinning.

blitzkrieg167: oh man, speaking of fics, i read one the other day that took place in the church, you know, when that big group all showed up there, and it was something like adam/kallie/sean/andy/matt. it was pretty raunchy, even for my tastes, and i'm normally into stuff like that!

ElleUnlimited: Yeah, I've read some pretty raunchy fics myself. Pretzel writes his fair share, too.

ThePretzel: And proud of it. *wink wink*

ReallyScooby2k: i red a fic about nadine + galen 2, it waz sad when they died yesterday tho

ThePretzel: You should see some of the new onez I've been putting up, I'm really proud of a few of them. now if only they'd happen in real life too. *sigh*

ElleUnlimited: Anything beats that old Sydney Morvran one from way back in the day. Anyone remember that kid?

BRADLEY075: LMAO Sydney, wasn't even the best Sidney either.

ReallyScooby2k: i dont think sotf evr had any1 named cooper yet did they? sidneys so common

ThePretzel: Not yet, I don't think, no. Anyone read my new fic? Just came out today.

ElleUnlimited: Which one's that, Pretz? Was that Guy Rapide, Alice Jones, and Gabriel Theobaldt? 'Cause that one was just downright scary.

ReallyScooby2k: lollerskates i <3 guy, hes so funny

ThePretzel: No, that was last weeks. I put out Kallie Majors/Melissa Diaz lesbian fic yesterday, and today I came up with my crown jewel.

JimmyEatGod: EWWWWWWWW tht wuz adam+ danya rite? that was grosssssss!

ElleUnlimited: ...you scare me sometimes, Pretz. Wouldn't you say so, blitz?

blitzkrieg167: haha, yeah, pretz puts out some strange ones sometimes. a lot of people seem to ship the danya/adam thing, but i personally dont see why. they hate one another, or at least it seems that way. that danya guy is always taking shots at adam, and vice versa. makes me wonder if the whole thing really is scripted or something sometimes. either way, its fun to watch!

BRADLEY075: That Kallie and Melissa fic was pretty hot, imo! I read teh funniest pairing last night! Somebody wrote this fic where Ken Lawson was paired with Burton Harris!

blitzkrieg167: wasn't that the body double kid or whatever? i read the story in sotf weekly the other day and apparently they're both real people and like... switched places and both got put into the game. how crazy is that?

ReallyScooby2k: ommfg, you know wat i read earlier? fukin' blood boy/boxer/mary. who tha hell came up wit that?!

ThePretzel: Can't blame that one on me. I'm working on a Darnell/Eduardo/Boxer rape story.

ElleUnlimited: As if there hasn't been enough of that in SOTF. :\\

ReallyScooby2k: ZOMG CODYJENSEN. hes a rapitst rite?

ElleUnlimited: ...yes, Scooby. You're the only one who still talks about that kid, anyway.

ThePretzel: No real rape stories yet on the island, anyway. Fics're one thing, but how about legitimate hookups? Anyone seeing Izzy turning to one of her strong beefy manfriends? Can Alice look past Guy's small stature? WHat about Corbin and Khystrya? Or whatever her damn name is? Or even Mary? Pregnant chicks need lovin too, right? *wink wink*

ElleUnlimited: Izzy has a thing with Dodd, remember? And he's with Julie, who has a thing for that mystery guy.

BRADLEY075: I bet my bro 50 bucks that dodd and julie hook up

ThePretzel: Haha. I wouldn't take that bet. What the heck do girls see in Dodd, anyway? He's fugly. I'd rather have someone like Darnell pouring hot lotion all over my chest...mmmm. But Dodd? NO thanks.

ElleUnlimited: That was a mental picture I didn't really need. I think the big question is if anyone's ever going to be able to pull off an escape. I'd say it's all but impossible but you never know. Hookups? That'll happen on it's own. This season's been good enough though...

ReallyScooby2k: nobudy wil ever get out, danyas not that dumm

BRADLEY075: Thats true, hes probably sitting in some room somewhere plotting his next diabolical scheme, listening to forums + chats for ideas. I've seen some pretty good ones you know.

ThePretzel: Who knows, Brad, you could be Danya himself! Or you, Blitz. Or you, Elle. Hell, even I could be Danya. *wink wink* JimmyEatGod: no wy pretzel ur more crayzee then danya is for sure =P

blitzkrieg167: i think danya has way better things to do with his time. haha! man, they released some pictures of his wife in sotf weekly. that chick is bangin hot!

ElleUnlimited: I saw that picture! I don't think that's REALLY his wife though. It's got to be a publicity stunt or something.

ReallyScooby2k: naw man, i bet thats really her. danya likes them yunger women. hes got the rite idea. if it was me, and i was put into that game, id be bangin all the bitches i could b4 i died! like, everbody. even if they was ugly. jus put a bag over theyre hed and go on, ya know?

JimmyEatGod: hell ya!

blitzkrieg167: but as for hookups? lets see... guy and alice is gonna happen, you know its just a matter of time. he cant get kallie, he's like a foot shorter than her. she'll probably hook up with darnell or keith or something. seems like she wants to find them a little too badly to me. i think will and christian are gonna turn out to be in gay love with one another or something. and i think brad and terrie is gonna happen, probably adam and julie too, though i personally think i like adam/izzy.

ElleUnlimited: Will and Christian would be sexy.

blitzkrieg167: uh-oh, i think the boss is coming. better skidaddle, people!

BRADLEY075: Bye Blitz!

blitzkrieg167 has left the Chatroom.

---

The rapping sound that echoed out from Danya's doorway was nothing more than a nuisance, at best. It was such a pity that he had been interrupted during his personal chat time. After all, he so enjoyed receiving the fans' opinions of Survival of the Fittest. In fact, he'd been doing this since the first season of SOTF was aired on television. The fansites, the flash games, the fanfiction... Danya revelled in all the free shipping that SOTF had received since it had first been shown on the air. Granted, it was the accidental reading of a particularly raunchy (at least in his opinion) fanfiction involving season one contestants Jacob Starr and Uriel Hunter that had caused three of his best henchmen to be thrown onto the island two years ago. Well, that, and the fact that Shannon McLocke had called him "pathetic".

"Yes, yes, what IS it?" Danya called out annoyedly toward the door.

The faint squeaking sound reverberated through the office and a tall figure, toned, tanned, and roughly 6'4" in height, stepped through the open door. Despite his intimidating appearance, his eyes were trained on the floor, almost as if refusing to make contact with Danya's eyes. It was for good reason, after all. The man ran a hand through his messily fixed brown hair before shutting the door behind him. His eyes remained trained on the ground as he spoke out in a low, gruff voice.

"Sir."

"You know I don't like to be disturbed when I'm in my office."

"Yes sir. Grossi requested that I turn his report in to you. He's currently unavailable."

The man shifted uncomfortably to the side.

"Oh?" Danya mused, rising from his seated position in front of the laptop and moving over to stand next to the man, who was considerably taller than himself. Danya grinned widely as he took the stack of papers from the soldier's hand and flipped through them, his eyes gleaming with excitement as he skimmed over the information detailed within the files. He turned his back to his companion and moved back over to his desk, allowing himself to sink back into the plush chair behind the large mahogany object. His lips curled into a cheshire grin once again as he looked at the soldier standing uncomfortably in the doorway, "According to Grossi's report, our little season three bunch is causing quite the ruckus down on the island. Seems they're destroying cameras left and right. Must be some silly sort of retaliation for forcing them into the game."

"Mm..." he muttered simply, his arms folding over his chest as his gaze remained averted to the side.

"I think they want attention, how 'bout you? People do lots of stupid things for attention... wouldn't you agree?"

"...Sir."

"I think... we might have to give them more attention than they can handle."

"Sir."

A light yawn escaped Danya's lips, and just as quickly, the playful grin that seemed to be perpetually emblazoned on his face reappeared. He leaned back in his chair far enough to prop his feet up on the edge of his desk before taking his laptop into his lap. Unfortunately, the juicy little piece of fanfiction he was about to read would have to wait. It was time for the morning announcements, and as much as he wanted to read the kinky little piece of artwork involving Adam Dodd and a figment of his imagination, it would simply have to wait until after the announcements were over.

"By the way..." Danya smirked, his attention shooting back to the soldier waiting to be dismissed, "I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but I just wanted to say... it's so very good to have you back. We've missed you around here."

His tone was sarcastic, and the playful grin on his face made it hard to tell if he was being sincere or joking. The soldier simply grunted in response before Danya waved his hand, indicating that he could leave the room. The man wasted no time in doing so, shutting the door behind him and letting out a long and labored sigh. The guys running the show at SOTF might have missed him, but the feeling definitely wasn't mutual. His fingers reached up to trace the faint scar just above his brow, and slowly moved down to the eyepatch that covered the eye underneath.

---

"Goooooood moooooorning children!" the annoyingly cheery voice of Danya boomed from the public access speakers scattered across the island, "So, it's not quite as pretty as it was yesterday out there. Looks a little bit overcast, maybe it'll rain or something. I dunno. Besides that, rain is probably the least of your worries right now. On the bright side, at least it's a little cooler out there! I can't have you guys and gals dying of heat exhaustion or anything, now. It's so much more fun watching you maim and mutilate one another. Of course, that brings me to the point of this announcement, which is to tell you who's dead and who's a murdering psychopath. So, let's get on with it, then!"

"First of all, I've gotta say, you people have really upped the ante from the first day and gotten the lead out. I'm pretty impressed. We had nearly twenty kills yesterday! How 'bout that? Well, on with the deaths then. Tenth to die yesterday morning was Karl Van Buren. Who DIDN'T see this one coming? This kid had the worst luck I've ever seen! I'll give you the short version. Karl and Troy McCann were doing it in the shower when Beth Vandelinder walked in and broke up their party. Gabriel Theobaldt followed her in there and they'd all probably have had some crazy kind of orgy or something except for the fact that I declared it a dangerzone. So, Beth and Troy hightailed it outta there and left Gabriel with Karl. I'll be honest, I was expecting some sodomization or something, but Gabriel just snapped the kid's neck and went on his way."

"The second death of the day was Owen Fontaine. To be honest, this one made me kind of sad. I liked this kid, and so did the viewers," Danya let out a fake sob, "Anyway, this crazy looking asian kid named Harry Tsai jumped him and tried to kill him, but Adam Dodd and Julie Mikan intervened and thought that Owen was the one attacking Harry. Long story short, Julie shot Owen instead of the guy that was playing. Good job, Julie!"

Even over the PA system, Danya's sarcasm was readily apparent.

"So yeah, he's dead. Number twelve to die was Evelyn Richinson. Ever wonder why your mom told you not to run with scissors, kids? Evelyn was probably the perfect example of that. She tripped, jammed the scalpel we gave her into an artery, and that was that. She bled to death within a couple seconds. Thirteenth to die was Luis Chezinski, who was strangled to death by Brenden Bedard for not rushing to his aide whenever James Brown went all crazy and attacked them both."

"Fourteenth down was the lovely miss Kara Holmes, although I guess she isn't so lovely now. She ran into Nathanial Harris at the sea cliffs, predictably started running her mouth, and dear Nate decided to shut her up... for good. Basically, he chopped her foot off, shoved it in her mouth, then dropped the firecrackers we gave her inside her mouth and blew her jaw clean off. Of course, her actual cause of death was suffocation from the foot wedged halfway in her throat, but I'd imagine she died very painfully... just the way we like it here at headquarters."

"Fifteenth to die, rather predictably, was Randy Flagg, slaughtered by Keith Jackson. Randy met up with the group in the jungle, and tried to jump on the bandwagon. Of course, it's sort of hard to jump on the bandwagon when you want to kill the people sitting on it, so of course, when Randy tried to stab Keith with his pickaxe, Keith turned around and shot the guy full of lead. Meanwhile, at the sea cliffs, Rebbecca Bradbury was busy becoming sixteenth on our list of the dead. Apparently, she'd been hiding in the bushes or something when good ole' Nate took care of Kara Holmes, and I guess it got her hot or something, 'cause she came out and started talking to him. Of course, if you guys haven't figured it out by now, Nathanial isn't the kind of guy who likes to talk, so instead of hanging out with her, he chopped off her arm and raped her with it. Course, she died of blood loss and all that fun stuff."

"Seventeenth was Kristin Washington. Kristin ran into a big group of people hanging out at the hollow tree and decided she'd help them patch up. Know what she got for her troubles? A bullet to the back of the head by Viktor Kurchatov, who tried to tell the group that 'he was just trying to help because she was going to kill them'. I smell bullshit, does anyone else? Unfortunately, that little group didn't kill Viktor like they probably should've, so now he'll probably be the death of them all!"

"Next down was Troy McCann. Apparently, Gabriel wasn't happy just killing Karl, so he decided to off Troy too. I think Gabriel's a homophobe, personally. He chopped Troy's arm off, a page he probably took out of Nathanial's book, then proceeded to tear off Troy's manhood and shove it down his throat before he finally gave the guy a break and beheaded him. SO yeah, that made Troy... or maybe I should call him Tonya now, number eighteen on my little list of the dead. Nineteen was Brenden Bedard, who died in quite possibly the stupidest way ever. He tripped, fell, hit his head on a rock, and died. The end. Boohoo."

"Dan Wolfe wasn't too far behind him. He did exactly the same thing that Evelyn Richinson did. He even fell on the same scalpel! What stupidity! You people have got to be the clumsiest people I have ever seen! He was also shot and robbed by Bobby Jacks, but, you know. On a more emotional note, Adwin Green was shot in the back by Paul Smith when she turned on his group and tried to attack Corbin Arlen. It was kind of sad, I guess. She gave the whole 'Paul... why?!" speech before she kicked the bucket, too."

"Next up on our list of the dead is Katherine Blanco. Sometimes, kiddos, you don't have to wait around for the competition to kill you. Some of you are so imperfect that Mother Nature decides to do it herself. That's what happened to poor Katherine. You see, Katherine was allergic to bees. She got stung while running around the island, and she died almost immediately from an allergic reaction. Sucks to be her! Next was Nigel Gillespie, killed by Dominica Shapiro. Don't let the fairer sex fool you into thinking they're weak, guys. I definitely wasn't pegging Dominica to win that fight, but she managed to kill Nigel!"

"We're slowly starting to wind down to the end of the list, but the deaths don't get any less interesting! Twenty-fourth down was Ric Chee, who was killed by Bobby Jacks. Then there was Burt... Ken... ahhh... Burken Larris! That's what I'm gonna call him, 'cause he can't seem to decide if he's Burton Harris or Ken Lawson. But yeah, this idiot managed to cheat death once before only to fall into an open hole at the graveyard and manage to get himself buried alive. Hey, at least you got buried in a cemetary, Burken! Most of these kids won't even get that! Numbers twenty-seven and twenty-eight are the last names on the list, being Galen Neilson and his girlfriend Nadine Willowbrook. I don't really know WHAT happened here. Apparently, they had a bad breakup on the island or something. Nadine shot Galen with a spear, Galen speared Nadine off the cliff. They both died!"

Danya smirked and cleared his throat before continuing.

"So I guess that winds up all the dead people, and we can move on to the other stuff. Effective immediately, the chapel, the lookout tower, and the showers are cleared as dangerzones. Because I'm feeling generous, I'm only going to set one today, and that's going to be the northern shore. Run while you can, kiddies! And last but not least, I've got to announce the winner of the daily Best Kill Award. Today, that award goes to a former member of my squad's little sextoy, Julie Mikan! Now Julie, the swinging bridge will be declared a temporary dangerzone that only you can access until you come pick up your weapon. We felt it was appropriate, what with you killing Owen there and all. Haha! But, don't dilly-dally! We don't have all day to wait on you, and we can ALWAYS just reopen the zone and give your new toy to someone else!"

"I guess I'll conclude this announcement with this message. Keep on fighting, children! Remember, if you don't kill your best friend, they might kill you!"