Paul Smith

Name: Paul Smith Gender: Math Age: 19 Grade: Although for all intents and purposes he is a senior, it is of note that Paul is and has always been considered class of 2006 (and currently the senior class is class of 2007) and thus has this self mocking notion to noting this whenever a teacher asks him ("What grade am I in? Well Miss it's quite obvious I'm class of '06"). So, he's in twelfth/thirteenth grade. School: Southridge Hobbies and Interests: While it is to note that he is into music (it'd be a bit funny to be a lead singer in a heavy metal band when you where not into music) and his eventual goal is to go to Berkley and major in Music Theory. He also (and this is purely speculation on his part) have a large case of pyromania (his most precious possession is his Zippo lighter and he is known for pulling it out and lighting it at random moments, it's gotten to the point where teachers don't even chastise him for it anymore), so he has a vast collection of fireworks and an even larger collection of 300+ Zippo lighters.

Appearance: The first reaction to Paul's appearance is, "What a goddamn freak.", but truly this is no surprise, with waist length blonde hair, layer upon layer of military garb, and an eye patch it is quite obvious that Paul does not fit into normal society and honestly he is quite content with it that way.

Having yet to cut his hair in the past nineteen years, Paul’s extraneously long ponytail is certainly a sight to behold. It has gotten so long that he rarely unfurls it from its massive quantity of wrappings – over, under, over, under, over, under, ad infitum. He sleeps with a ponytail, washes with a ponytail, and lives with a ponytail. Rather than have it extend to below, down to his waist, as it would normally rest, Paul instead throws it over his right shoulder. This not only gives him an air of unique style, it also increases his shock factor, albeit only slightly. He has, however, started letting it fall, as it is scratchy and distracting when it lays across his neck. Unlike his ponytail, Paul sports rather thin wisps of blonde locks that tumble down over his forehead and ears in every which way. His hair is a very distinct color, almost unnatural in its unique physiology. It is a dark blonde with a touch of orange, creating an shade much like that of the poppy found in the dark damp caves of Wales rather than in South California.

As can be expected by someone involved in a constant barrage of hardcore metal pits, Paul's physique is very toned, but this is merely a by product of the rather insane work out schedule he has to prepare for these pits (because as he put it, "How can I expect these people to do pits if I suck at them?") his daily exercise routine consists of 50 roundhouse kicks, performing windmills until his shoulders give out, and at least 10 minutes of mock stage dives into other peoples pools.

His clothing is just as weird as he is and consists of a heavy flak jacket of a dark green color and equally bland pants (all army issued), layer after layer of these and all leather, as you can no doubt guess this look is extremely uncomfortable, but it helps give him a unique look (and that's one of his big fears that he'll lose his individuality and thus he goes to great lengths to protect it) and he has gotten used to the discomfort. Instead of sneakers he wears a pair of big combat boots. The most weird part of his clothing is the leather eye patch with three holes in it and you can just see a white patch underneath them, this is due to a horrific fire when he was a child and he has an adamant refusal to get a glass eye.

Biography: Paul Smith, Biography of a Rock God

Lila Macintosh, age sixteen and sophomore editor for the Patriot’s Gazette at Southridge High, today we’re going to explore the story of one of Southridges most colorful student, we’ve all spoken to him at least once and we’ve all gotten wind of his very...odd eccentric tendencies, but today I’m going to get in depth in the mind of the singer of the great metal band known to us as “Beneath the Hands of War”.

Like every good story I decided to start with the beginning and that beginning and the beginning and in order to get a grasp on Paul’s early years, the only effective person to go to would be his father, Kevin Smith is the thirty eight year old head of the burn ward at the local hospital and is almost a parallel image of Paul (with the exception of Paul’s amber eyes of course), however the older man has a large receding hair line and his ponytail is not nearly as in your face as Paul’s is.

“Well, I met Paul’s mother when I was fourteen years old and we got married right outtalk high school, I got a full scholarship to UCLA where I majored in medicine, Paul’s mother was a very pretty woman, had red hair and perfect amber eyes, she is a lot like Paul in a lotto ways, always striving to be different, y’know? Well we lived a normal life, Jean my wife was working at a local book store and I was working in construction to pay to support my family and of course Paul himself, Paul was always a smart boy, though in oddly different ways. He knew how to read before he knew how to speak and he was always readin’ always being smart, y’know?

Well, our life was normal till that day in about ‘92, Paul was ‘bout four years old and was staying home with Jean, when apparently our oven was on the fritz, the oven refused to turn on and because it was one of those good ol’ Gas ovens she just put in a barbeque lighter and tried to light it...unfortunately well it just ‘sploded all over her, Jean was burnt to a crisp and Paul would’ve been to if he hadn’t been fooling around trying on a leather jacket of mine (he’s been obsessive with every piece of clothing he owns being leather from that point onward), a piece of debree got into his left eye and the doctors told me that if it had gone just 1/360th of an inch to the right Paul’s brain would’ve been gone, it was a day of conflict because on the downside I lost my wife, but on the bright side my son survived, y’know?”

Losing his mother at such a young age should no doubt by traumatizing for Paul, but those of you who hang out with him know he is incredibly open, I mean honestly there is nothing that you can say about Paul that hasn’t already been said by Paul. His high school career of course is way better known. His Freshman year he started off not by getting an F in every one of his classes (that honor would be reserved for Sophomore year), but by infamously setting his pants on fire while confidently in a broom closet with the topless valedictorian of that graduating year...it was scandalous, it was embarrassing, and it was something that Paul Smith loved. During his Freshman year he was discovered by the music program at our school and despite his ineptitude to play instruments he has composed every piece our school band has preformed for the last five years, it was probably this skill in composing that made him a key member in the local scene in a metal band known as Beneath the Hands of War which is known for it’s slightly operatic vocal solos and it’s general melodic sound in contrast to most metal bands.

Sophomore year more panic ensued at Southridge and I’m sure all of the graduating seniors will remember the day Paul Smith came running down the football field piss ass drunk and also bares naked screaming that the class of ‘06 ruled and then he proceeded to rip drunkenly grope the homecoming queens breasts and eventually in a rather climatic chase evade police capture for fifteen minutes. Of course he then gained fame for burning his report card in the middle of his first period class and strangely enough (despite his rather eccentric tendencies) he found himself spending most of his time hanging out in the girls locker-room (he still does this to the day and most of the girls have gotten rather indifferent towards Paul’s nearly constant presence, although he does relish every time a Freshman girl comes to him and asks him to leave, “Yeah, well I’ll leave when I see something I haven’t before...or I’ll stay and watch, it’s an impasse you gotta be willing to deal with”.

Junior year is a year of shame in regards to us Paul Smith fans as he started going out with the most bitchy head cheerleader this side of bitchington, a girl named Melanie Suarez. Melanie was abusive and out of place every where Paul went, while she got straight A’s, Paul was getting no grades, but somehow someway she sparked a rather large change in Paul and caused him to start working hard in school, Paul was still crazy, but remarkably a lot tamer and he would keep this attitude up through his senior year. The darkest day for the Paul Smith fans was last year at the graduation ceremony where he was almost unanimously denied a diploma due to his 1.9 GPA, instead of going to a community college to raise his grades, Paul stayed back a year and has yet to give us anymore Smith brand craziness...but we can hope to see it again, we can hope.

Lila Macintosh, out.

'07 SCHOOL YEAR UPDATE

As rumors flew around the school about Paul Smith romancing head cheerleader Serenity Halos, Paul Smith chose to prove himself in a much more interesting way. Joining the tournament Paul breezed through his first two matches and eventually came to fight Darnell Butler, in a match contested by few (due to Darnell's long hospilitazation) Paul came out the loser, but also came out the bouncer at the local 'club' Shooters. People wishing to challenge Paul, found themselves being subjected to a large amount of Grecco-Roman wrestling moves and broken noses...all stuff he's picked up from Darnell. Currently Paul has been accepted into HBU with a GPA of 2.3 and he's been given a full ride partly due to Shooters and Montezzo.

It seems the Smith brand craziness is coming to an end.

Advantages: Paul’s popularity almost triples that of everyone else in the school, he is known by people outside of school, he is known by people who saw the school once and he is known by people who accidentally came across the word school in the dictionary. He has a rather large tolerance for pain (due to his pit practicing and the actual pit itself) and strangely enough for someone usually surrounded by blaring amps, excellent ears. Paul has also proven to be an excellent fighter and some say he currently has achieved a varied fighting level that he could beat Darnell Butler.

Disadvantages: Paul is completely self centered, completely intent on building upon the Paul Smith legend that has surrounded itself his past five years of school. He also though is far to altruistic for his own good and the thought of hurting someone unable to protect themselves is in all honesty, sickening to him. Paul's left arm is a bit weak and he also has no skill in fire arms and while he's adapted to his eye, he does have a slightly reduced field of vision.

Designated Number: Male Student no. 03

'The above biography is as written by slacker. No edits or alterations to the author's original work have been made.'

==

Designated Weapon: Stockman's Knife Conclusions: Well now, B03 is quite the lucky ducky, isn't he? To think, if he'd graduated with his class instead of staying a year behind like he did, he wouldn't be able to be part of our wonderful program, and that would be such a disappointment! His bad eye might work against him in this kind of game, but maybe he'll put his pyromania to good use!

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